Chet Cannon

Some boys liked to slide up and down the tetherball ball poll repeatedly.   I preferred watching 3 Ninjas and Surf Ninjas.  So in Second grade, my class had the opportunity of performing an Easter play.  I don’t remember the whole story, nor do I care to.  What I do remember is this, the Easter Bunny was Easter Bunnynapped by an evil traveling circus.  ooooohhhhhhhOOOOO!  Fortunately the playwright had foreseen this disheartening event and provided a means for freedom from the clutches of such villainous circus fiends: kids who knew karate.  This was my calling in life at the time.  I was superior to all other elementary Ninjas.  There were to be three of us.  I was Ninja kid number 2.  Going back to 3 Ninjas, I would have been the “Colt” of this play.  There were two others.  One who was the leader and the other who was the funny, food obsessed, playful ninja.  His name was Jacob.  You will soon know why I remember that detail.  Anyway, there was a scene in the play where we had to fight of the circus to free The Easter Bunny.  Now, I need to stress that I was fluent in early nineties made-for-children ninja movies.  I watched them often and practiced all of the kicks and punches.  My favorite of all Ninja moves was the 360-degree ground sweep.  There is only a small window of opportunity for execution of this elitist move.  An opponent must attempt a kick as you drop to the ground and perform a 360-degree spin move, taking out their solo-planted leg.  All of this performed at an unearthly fast pace.  Anyway, it’s amazing.  So, that was my contribution to the play.  Someone would try and kick me and I would do my 360-degree ground sweep.  So, we perform the play and I won’t give you all the details, but I NAILED my move!  It wasn’t even funny how perfectly executed the sweep was.  A week later, our teacher sits us down as she begins to pull letters from a manila folder.  Teachers love manila folders.  What could these letters be?  The letters were from class representatives who saw the play.  She begins to read.  First letter is read.  “The play was so cool.  Everything was awesome especially the Ninja….”  My eyes nearly fell out with anxiety for my teacher to finish the sentence with something like, “Chet’s Ninja-like skills.”  She reads on, “especially the Ninja, Jacob.  He was funny.  I couldn’t believe how hungry and funny he was.  He loves food and Easter stuff.”  I looked over at Jacob (now glowing).  I could have 360-degree sweeped his face right then and there.  Next letter…. “everything was cool.  Jacob was funny.  We loved Jacob.”  OMFG!  Jacob was in tears at his accomplishment.  I listened for 10 painful minutes as letter after letter glorified Jacob, the “funny Ninja.”  Then out of nowhere, I hear my teacher read my name… “The Ninja scene was awesome.  I felt bad about Chet’s fall.”  Chet’s fall?  Chet’s fall?  I was performing the most technical of Ninja behaviors and audience perception is that…..Chet fell.   Then came the laughter….and the finger-pointing.  I tried to tell my classmates I was doing the 360-degree sweep move, but they wouldn’t have it.  They were relentless as a sat there, subject to public mockery.  I was Chet the falling Ninja.  Inconsolable, I ran to the bathroom.  Is there no decency?

~Thus saith Chet