The 7 Deadly Text Responses

Obviously, these come from girls. Texting. It’s like they’re no longer trying. 

1. Time Constrained Tina

I love you
Oh…….do you? How much do you love me? Clearly not enough that you could add one gosh damn letter to your response! Who, that is in love, doesn’t have time for the letter I? How easy is I? How NOT time consuming is I? Also, take notice of the HIGHLY CALCULATED ‘all lower-case letters.’  Your phone automatically starts sentences in capital letters, which means she typed ‘Love you,’ and then changed it to lower-case ‘love you’ to a) piss you off and b) further emphasize that she only kinda loves you, if at all. Personally, I don’t believe Time Constrained Tina does love you. 

2. Pretentious Patty

Pretentious Patty

For heaven’s sake, would you look at that emoji! The level of pretension in that tiny face is quite possibly orbiting Saturn’s rings as I type. Here is a kid, obviously vulnerable, pouring out his heart, and for what? A stupid yellow face with a smile that says, “You’re absolutely right. There is something incredibly special about me. Actually, there are many incredibly special somethings about me.” Pretentious Patty couldn’t care less about the fact that you like her, she just finds solace in agreeing with you that she is incredibly special. 

3. Tell Me More Tory

Again, pretension. This emoji is not on the same level of pretension as the ‘no-blush smiley’ (above), but is nonetheless arrogant. You tell her she’s pretty, and in return, a “blush-face smiley.” Basically, she’s cosigning that “yes, I really am pretty.” Truth is, she’s not ACTUALLY blushing. Why? Because she doesn’t like you. She likes what you’re saying and she wants you to tell her more, but don’t be foolish, you’re the only one with feelings on this table. Think about it, if she did like you, drawing somewhat from Newton’s Third Law, she would have given you an equal reaction: “I think you’re handsome.” To be fair, she’s not a total B-word, or, going back to Newton’s Third Law, she would have given you an opposite reaction: “you’re unattractive.” Blush-Face Smiley is bait and nothing more. She’s a fisher. Quit biting. Tell Me More Tory will take compliments ALL DAY LONG, but NEVER will she reciprocate.

4. Hopeful Hannah


I don’t feel it necessary to expound further.

5. Morning Meredith


Premeditated lower case letters. Omission of Good. Disingenuous.

6. Nighttime Nancy


Premeditated lower case letters. Omission of Good. Disingenuous.

7. Gone Girl

Gone Girl

The read, but no reply. CLASSIC. Just a field of white nothing. Ouch. Read Receipts…unless you’re married or at the behest of someone, turn those off. For those who don’t know about read receipts, it’s a function within the iPhone that allows you to know if someone has read your text. She was there and then she was gone. We know she was there because the text was “Read 9:29 PM”

What should you do with a girl like this? Not waste your time.

What are you going to do? Probably send a slew of FOLLOW UP TEXTS (below) and look like an idiot.

Just Shut Up

January 23, 2015 by Chet   |   No Comments

Sensible Friends

Dead Phone

January 22, 2015 by Chet   |   No Comments

Apology: 2015

Apology 2015

January 20, 2015 by Chet   |   No Comments

American Flag Photos Are Rad (As Long As The Flag Is Displayed Correctly)

American Flag photos are rad! I’ve seen a lot of hipsters people post photos in front of their vertically displayed American Flags, and believe me, I LOVE seeing Old Glory, BUT too often do I see the Union (stars) on the viewer’s right. This is incorrect. Horizontal display is intuitive, but the VERTICAL display seems to trip people up. It’s likely that one might assume you simply make a quarter turn clockwise from the horizontal position to assume the vertical position. No. Union (stars) to the VIEWER’S LEFT. In short, keep flying your flag, but respect it and display it correctly. 

As outlined in Title 4 U.S. Code § 7 – Position and manner of display 

(i) When displayed either horizontally or vertically against a wall, the union should be uppermost and to the flag’s own right, that is, to the observer’s left. When displayed in a window, the flag should be displayed in the same way, with the union or blue field to the left of the observer in the street.

For more on proper flag display, see:

Proper Display

Vertical Flag

January 19, 2015 by Chet   |   No Comments

Us, But Mostly Me

mostly me

January 17, 2015 by Chet   |   No Comments

See Food

See Food

January 16, 2015 by Chet   |   No Comments

“Look At Those Big, Buff Douchebags”

Costco. 3 days ago. ‘Chocolate calcium chew’ sample station. I grab my ‘chocolate calcium chew’ sample and stand next to the garbage can. A couple walks up, grabs their ‘chocolate calcium chew’ samples, and they stand next to the garbage can.

Girl: bob cut/blunt bangs, skinny jeans, grandma’s sweater, keds

Guy: skinny jeans, tousled hair, mustached, kinda chubby, button down (with top button fastened), cardigan

Guy turns to his girl,

Guy: “I’m studying French in my spare time and I can tell you that watching Amélie NOW is a much richer experience.”

Girl: “Yeah?”

Guy: “Completely. The subtitles are entirely too invasive to fully admire the artistry.”

Sorta bilingual…impressive. By now, my ‘chocolate calcium chew’ is pretty well-chewed and two men stroll on by. Once they’re out of range, “Guy,” interrupting his own astute (sorta bilingual) dissection of  Amélie enlightenment, turns to his girl and says,

Guy: “Look at those big, buff douchebags off to get their protein.”

“Guy” doesn’t know these men from a hole in the freakin’ wall, but as if endowed with prophetic insight and personality discernment, nevertheless, calls them “douchebags” to impress a girl. Maybe “Guy” is a Prophet? I mean, he kinda speaks two languages and accordingly, understands Amélie WAY better than you do, AND, obviously, he can spot “big, buff douchebags” at Costco from a distance of 3 meters. 

Douchebag. I hate that word. It’s ugly and I ONLY hear it used when NOTHING is verifiably known about the people at whom the word is directed. There is just an assumption that someone probably thinks he’s cooler than everyone, and is therefore, a douchebag.

Mathematically, it’s something like this:

A thinks B thinks B>A, even though B probably only thinks B=A. And the truth is, A actually thinks A>B

In-depth “Douchebag” Mathematical Analysis:  

Labeling someone a “douchebag” is self-condemning. Think about it. You believe someone thinks he’s infinitely cooler than you. Your full presumption being, “there is a guy with a hierarchical ladder in his brain, and he has placed me on an inferior rung, but there is no way he’s cooler than I am.” So, what do you do?  You relegate him to douchebag status. With that, you reinforce your assertion that YOU deserve placement on a higher rung because, “this douchebag is not cooler than I am. Only I am cooler than I am!” Ironically, placing yourself on a higher rung would only exalt your status, displacing the “douchebag-in-question” and establishing YOU as the colloquially deemed douchebag. And, oh yeah, ALL OF THIS IS IN YOUR HEAD!  B never said B>A. That was your assumption because he had muscles. 

polo tattooQuick story. I was in a club a few years back. I went to get some water and two guys said I looked like I “had something to say.” Classic line! One guy put his forehead against mine and asks, “You think you’re tough?” Good question, but no. I didn’t. All of the sudden, this guy (see photo), like the caped crusader himself, comes out of nowhere, stands in front of me, and says, “leave my friend alone.” As you can see, he is quite strong AND has a Polo horse tattoo. No cape, unfortunately. A cape would have been nice, though. The two would-be fighters quickly backed down, I took a picture of his tattoo, and he went back to his friends.

Now, If you were to Google ‘douchebag’ and look at the images, a series of males pop up, the vast majority of them being strong, tan, and spiky haired. So, what about this guy? What would you say about him? What would Costo “Guy” say about him if they crossed paths? Someone once told me, “Bad thoughts and judgments will inevitably cross our minds and that’s okay, but if we give them a sofa to sit on, THEN we have a problem.” Every mind casts judgment, but that doesn’t mean you should stick to your initial assessment. This guy WAS big and buff, but he was certainly NO douchebag, and neither were those men at Costco. Then again, those guys at Costco could have been mean, but that’s not derivable from being strong and buying your protein at Costco. I buy my protein at Costco. It sits on my fridge, anxiously awaiting a gym commitment from me. Anyone, in any size, shape, or form can be a jerk, but gambling opinions against superficiality is just that, gambling. You don’t ever really win. I had never met this “big, buff” guy, but he saw trouble, helped me, and called me his friend. I don’t know who you are, but thank you, my friend. And thank you, “Guy” at Costco, for reminding us not to be like you. 

January 15, 2015 by Chet   |   2 Comments

Sour Grapes

Sour Grapes

January 13, 2015 by Chet   |   No Comments

How The Wrong Hair Color Ruined Your Childhood

Let me tell you about my friend, Alex Grow. HUGE Newsies fan. Well, when you’re a kid (or an adult, come to think of it) and your friends want to play Newsies, EVERYBODY fights for the HONOR of playing Jack “Cowboy” Kelly. And don’t you dare call him by his legal name, Francis Sullivan! He shed that geeky thing like snake skin, when he rode out of “The Refuge” on Teddy Roosevelt’s carriage. But OBVIOUSLY, if you can’t be “Cowboy,” you want to be Spot Conlon from Brooklyn because: a) He’s essentially Billy The Kid with a sling-shot, and B) Let’s just be honest, nobody is scrambling to be Les, Mush, or Crutchy. Back to Alex. Alex is part of the 1-2% of humans that have red hair. “Cowboy” doesn’t have red hair. “Spot Conlon” doesn’t have red hair. So…WHO can Alex be? Navigate your mind to the opening song, Carrying the Banner. As the song ends, recall the Newsies at the gate, waiting to enter and retrieve their “papes.” Well, before the gate opens, a young boy wheels out a stack of “papes” and utters 5 words: “Deez is for da Newsies.” A noble line, but highly forgettable face. What does that creep have to do with Alex, you ask? EVERYTHING. That young, paper-wheeling child has RED HAIR. Alex has RED HAIR. Alex is now unequivocally and irrevocably the, “Deez is for da Newsies” kid. He didn’t choose that life. It chose him. Well, his friends and family saying “you have red hair. You have to be the ‘deez is for da Newsies’ kid” chose it. Poor Alex. He could have been a great “Cowboy,” but alas.


Believe me, this “I look the most similar, therefore, I am” precedent transcends WAY beyond Newsies and into Disney Princesses, superheroes, cartoon characters…you name it!

My favorite movie ever is “Rad.” 1986 BMX film. Cru Jones, Bart Taylor, and Aunt Becky from Full House. Cru Jones: local legend turned international sensation when he absolutely dominates Hell Track. Long story short, Cru Jones has dark hair. Bart Taylor has blonde hair. I have blonde hair. My older brother and young brother have dark hair and always got to be Cru Jones and inevitably, I was/am Bart Taylor. Bart loses the race. I lose the race.

This next experience actually had nothing to do with hair color. I have a set of twins in my family, older by 18 months, and the three of us REALLY loved Sleeping Beauty (ESPECIALLY the Fairy Godmothers). There are three Fairy Godmothers: Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather. We loved them. we wanted to be them. We creatively used dry spaghetti noodles for wands. So which Fairy Godmother were you, Chet? Merryweather. In case you don’t know, Merryweather is short, chubby, and ill-tempered. I always had to be Merryweather. Why? Because in the event that nobody has the correct hair color, the ages of siblings/friends somehow endow them with “first pick” priorities, and ultimately, youngest gets the scraps. Today, I would happily choose Merryweather, but back then, it was more of a “Second Fiddle” decision. 

Bottom line, if you want to be a Disney Princess, a Fairy Godmother, one of the cool Newsies, a Superhero etc., you better pray that your genetic coding is up to snuff, otherwise those insensitive, “I look the most like her, so I get to be her” children will torrentially rain ALL DAY on your parade. Make it easy on yourself. Avoid playing with children that look like your favorite fictional characters. The only other solution if to be significantly bigger, and older, at which point, humble obedience will determine the roles.


October 16, 2014 by Chet   |   2 Comments

7 Questions You Need To Stop Asking (because you already know the answers)

missed call

1) Did you call?


Better question: Why, if my name is on your caller ID 3 times under “Missed Calls”, are you TEXTING me to ask if I called???

2) Does this shirt look good on me?

Nope. If it did, you wouldn’t be asking.

3) Are you mad at me? 

Yes. If you think it, it is so. How many of your instagram photos that I previously liked do I have to UNLIKE to make that clear? It’s not like I’m going to UNFOLLOW you, but I will decrease your stats. Deal with it.

4) Does she like me?

No. If she did, you’d know.

5) Does he like me? 

Well…has he intermittently and flirtatiously ‘liked’ 64+ week-old photos on your various social networks? No? Then, no. He does not like you.  

6) Would you liked whipped cream on that hot chocolate?

Of course. What do I look like? Some dude from LA wearing a v-neck? 

7) Zack Morris or A.C. Slater?

Now you’re just being an A-hole. I won’t even dignify that question with a response. This reader poll (below) will have to suffice…

Zack Morris or A.C. Slater

View Results

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October 14, 2014 by Chet   |   No Comments